Bradley’s preschool is right next to Cody’s elementary school. One side of the recess area ends right next to the parking lot of the preschool. There is a baseball field and lots of grass at this end of the playground area. It’s a really large playing field. I came to pick up Bradley from school on Thursday and like usual, I try to find Cody in the crowd of kids. I know he doesn’t really have friends and I know he hasn’t connected with anyone (or really feels safe for that matter) so I’ve wanted to see what goes on during recess. This time I found him. And bless his precious heart, he was running around and playing by himself. I watched as he tried twice to go up to different groups of kids to play with them and I watched as they both turned away from him. I had to go in and grab B so I walked away trying not to cry and I tried to reassure myself that not all kids have friends all the time…

Turns out, B had a field trip to the library with his class that day and I was 40 mins early. Totally slipped my mind. So I came back outside to get in the car but I wanted to check on Cody again. This time he was really close to me, about 40 yards away. He couldn’t see me but I could see him. And as I stood there, I saw him running around and then kind of got swept up with these two other boys and the next thing I know they decide to push him against the chain link fence and rough him up. Slapping him on the stomach, stretching his arms out wide along the fence as they smack his rear…and at that point I yelled out “CODY! Are you okay?!” The kids freeze. Cody sees me. I yell at the other boys to leave him alone and ask Cody to come close to the fence where I was standing. He was crying. My heart was racing…I told Cody to follow me and meet me at the other end of the field where the adults were. NO ONE SAW THIS HAPPEN or even saw me until I walked down the side of the street with Walker in my arms and came up to the woman who was supposed to be supervising the recess. I explained to her that Cody is my son and I just watched him get beat up by two boys at the other end of then playground. She was alarmed. I was trying not to cry but my voice was cracking and tears were streaming down my face. I told her I am taking Cody home–she said I had to have the office call for him before he can leave the playground. So I walked back with Walker, sobbing the entire way, got in my car and drove to the school.

As I am in the office, the secretaries just stared at me. The lack of compassion or interest for my situation was suffocating. It took a little time for Cody to get to me. He was okay–he’s always okay…precious, he is too precious for this…I then tell them I would like to speak with someone about this as they just act as though it’s a normal lunch period for them. The principal was not available, so we waited for the counselor and spoke with her. She was nice. Cody was crying a little and didn’t want to talk about it. I was calm. I just wanted to get out there. I couldn’t get my heart to calm down. She threw out phrases like “These kids are too young to do these things maliciously. They are boys and they just like to see how far they can go.” And, “This is more than likely not bullying.” Sure. Whatever makes you feel better. This worldly perspective on the human condition is really going well for you, as my 6 year old son was just attacked by two 5 year olds on the playground after lunch. It’s hard to make real sense of this when you think everyone is basically good.

So we left. Picked up B. And we got some ice cream.

I could go more into the conversations with the principal and vice principal that Tyler had but really, it just gets me upset and the Lord has asked us to let it go. We are not taking any action other than when we turned in our letter of withdrawal the very next day.  Cody is good–he’s more than good, he is great!  We talk about it when he wants.  We encourage him in the Lord and who Christ created him to be.  We talk about the nightmares and the insomnia.  We love on him and pray.  He is doing great–in fact it’s pretty much a non-issue now–praise the Lord!

Lord knows, I wish that day had never had happened–NEVER.  But that day happened when it did and where it did so I could be there for Cody.  In fact there are so many reasons that it happened it would take me many more paragraphs to tell of the blessings and insight and truth that has been revealed.  This is the sort of thing that lurks around in a parent’s worst nightmares and when it becomes a reality, questions and doubt and saddness and fear flood in and you are left with a couple of choices:  either you cast blame and guilt upon someone or yourself OR you can cast your cares upon the Rock, the Cheif Cornerstone, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, the Creator of all things; our loving Father in Heaven.  The choice seems easy when you read this.  It seems obvious if you are a believer.  But if you have ever experienced something like this–if you live with or have lived with pain and fear and trouble living in your little one, this choice is not as easy as you wished.  My situation is nothing compared to acts of horrendous bullying at school or sickness or desease or death mothers, fathers and families struggle with everyday.  But God gave me a little taste.  And I had that choice.

I feebly casted those fears and doubts, and all my saddness on the Creator and Father of my son, Cody.  As He reminded me that Cody is HIS. And He reminded me that the fear paralizing my body was the stark awareness that the Lord is in control and He will have His way in my life and my children’s life no matter what it looks like or feels like. It occured to me that I am not afraid of being asked to move to Africa, adopt a child, give away money or be invisible to others. No. I am fearful of losing my children. And that, it completely out of my hands.

That is Truth.  But it’s hard.  It’s confusing as my humanity to tries to make sense of Divinity.  But just because I can’t make sense of it, it doesn’t make it any less true.

I cannot forget what it really means when I say, “You’re in control, Lord. Not me.” I’m saying that my three precious, innocent, little boys are His. And He loves them more than I do, and yet He allowed this to happen to Cody. And here is the TRUTH: So me, being an evil mother, am capable of loving Cody and giving him good things means that, God, The Perfect Father, is capable of so much more! And that I believe will all my heart.

This truth has put me to the test of trust and knowing that God loves us.  He never changes–and though everything else in this fallen world does He is constant.  Praise the Lord for that!